Jerking It

So I don't know if anybody's reading this, and that's probably a good thing. I don't know really . . . I think I would be thrilled if I were able to have a huge readership on some levels, but on other levels I'm fine just writing to myself. The whole experience of writing here feels the same way I imagine Buddhist monks feel after they sweep away sand drawings they spent hours perfecting. It feels like jerking off. When I was young, just when I hit puberty, I would sneak away to my room at any time of the day and jerk one out, imagining what it would be like to kiss the girls from school. Jump to me at 13 and I began searching the world for things to jerk off to. I have always had, and still have a somewhat racist cock. National Geographic never did it for me. One day I found an article in some magazine about paraphilic infantilism. There was a picture of a woman, at least 25, wearing a diaper, with only her long hair covering the nipples on her voluptuous breasts. I came to that picture more times than I can remember. Jump to me at age 20 and I have gotten over the girl in the adult diapers and have maintained somewhat healthy sexual relationships with women. At 20 I discovered the internet and began finding more pictures of women in diapers, and finding them more and more erotic. I would cum thinking about having my own little adult baby. The Adult Baby/Diaper Lover (abdl) scene is big enough to warrant it's own acronyms on the interwebs.

Jump to me now. I have never looked for someone into such fetishes seriously. I have brought up the fetish to past girlfriends in passing. When I brought it up with Jen she just laughed at the 'freaks,' unknown to her I was just as big a freak as the rest of them. I wonder if now is a good time to start looking.

The problem with looking for someone who is into the whole ab scene is that the actual lifestyle. I don't want a whore to wear diapers for me, or act like a baby. I am interested in finding someone who is interested in letting me take care of them, allowing them to regress or role play at times. It is a control fetish. I want to control someone, and still be able to keep them as a sexual object. I want to control someone because I fear that if I am not in control and in possession of someone, that someone cannot love me back.

I wonder if these memories are coming back because of Jen. Maybe I haven't thought about the fetish in years. It's been months. Now it's back, and strong. Maybe she has left and now I feel that because she left, everyone I do not have complete control of will leave. Maybe not. Maybe I just repressed the fetish for the sake of the relationship.